Ho-wdy, Ho-mies! Ho-w ya been? 🙂
It’s (once again 😉 been ages since I’ve checked in here, but-t this time my absence was due to Happy reasons. 🙂 After that long bout of depression/”retiring from life” thing (I’ll spare ya the rehashing ;), I made the decision to transition back into the real world. That move has not been without growing pains, lemme tell ya, but-t I feel I’m finally back in a place where I’m feeling like I did before The Sadness took over.
Part of that Depression Era included not wanting to share much about what was going on with me. If you’ve followed me on social media during all this, 1. Thank You!, and 2. You might have noticed my posting habits changed a lot. I went from sharing the goofiest shit on the reg to nearly radio silent for a while. As I’ve slowly been becoming “me” again, I’ve started posting more, but-t I do still find myself walling off the more personal stuff. Maybe it’s stupid and narcissistic to think anyone would care about any of that, but-t I know that I, personally, enjoy when my online ho-mies share what’s going on in their world. It makes it feel like we’re all really in this together someho-w.
Since I started working for The Last Drive in, I’ve been in contact with lots of folks who tell me (very kindly) that hearing about my personal fights with shyness/BDD/depression/parenting a special needs kid, etc etc etc has helped them with their own struggles, and that’s AMAZING to me!! I’m so happy (and ho-nored!) that anyone feels they can relate to me, and that I possibly even help in some small way. So, with that in mind, here I am, making a sincere attempt to be emotionally open again, the way I was in those blissfully ignorant “Before Times”.
This go ’round, though, I might be a bit more boring. I’m not currently doing any “adult” work (and haven’t in ages…the internet is just for.ev.er. so it all kinda sticks around ;). My current work life is nearly 100% ho-rror related at this point, which is 2000% fine by me! Mr. Joe Bob has become a real mentor to me, and is not only helping me focus on my ho-rror/professional goals (more on those soon! :), but-t he’s helping me battle my personal demons, too. (Mostly that consists of checking in on me waaaaaaaaay too often to make sure I’m not getting lazy/procrastinate-y, and kicking my arse if I get shy and/or self-doubty, but-t hey…It works! 🙂
Of corpse, being open and putting yourself out there means “The Haters” (aka just plain ol’ meanieheads! ;), come at ya, too. I dealt with a lot of that in my porn days (natch ;), and it was a big part of that whole “Radio Silent” era. Why on earth would anyone want to keep putting themselves out there just for (a small but-t vocal group of) folks to try and tear ya down at every turn? Even a simple Instagram pic brings out plenty o’negative comments, but-t at some point you have to just say “Screw It!”, do what makes YOU happy, and sincerely shrug off the negativity. I know I’m making it sound simple when it’s really so very not, but-t if I can get past some of the mean ass shit folks have said about me, then I KNOW that you can, too. And I’ll be here to help ya through it if you need a f(r)iend. 🙂
I am diving full force into achieving some of the personal and professional goals I’ve set for myself this year, despite knowing I’m not perfect (and never ever will be), that I am damn sure gonna screw a lot of shit up, and that not everyone is gonna like me or what I’m doing…I also know, though, that ultimately none of that matters. All that truly matters is that I know I’m doing all in my power to “live my best life”, even when it’s hard and I feel like retreating to my Fortress o’ Solitude again. I’ve seen what it’s like to live in fear and darkness in an attempt to shield yourself from eXXXperiencing any sadness or pain, and I can tell you that the “Screw it…I’m doin’ me, baby!!” way of handling things is a lot more fun! 🙂
I leave you now with these Words of Weezer Wisdom:
“If I die it means that I lived my life and that’s much better than hidin’ in a ho-le. Die, die, you Zombie Bastards.”
Beautiful, ain’t it? 😉
(Whatevs…Weezer has gotten me through tough times for, like, centuries now. Maybe Zombie Bastards isn’t as inspirational to you as it is to me, but-t find your thing, ho-ld on to it, and go forth and kick ass unafraid-edly…like Cyclops and me! 😉 xoxo)