Bitch Slappin’ the Swamp o’ Sadness…
Bitch Slappin’ the Swamp o’ Sadness…

What’s up, meh ho-mies? It’s been quite some time since I felt up to blogging in a real, personal way, thus my eXXXtended absence from this site. It makes complete sense that the last post published here was about Ghostface’s passing (over a year ago now), because that is when every bit of my world changed forever. (Not to be dramatic or anything… ;))

Long, sad story short, I went into a deeeeeeeeeeeeep depression after her death, which was only made worse by the loss of several other friends last year. From the time Ghostface (my bestest lil’ buddy and closest confidante for almost 2 decades) passed away, through the end of last year, I lost a ridiculous amount of friends/co-workers (predominantly to suicide). I keep saying that in 2017 suicide felt like an epidemic in LA, and there’s really no other way to accurately describe it. It was rough, and with news of each new passing I fell deeper and deeper into a hole of despair from which I legitimately thought I’d never escape. I spent literal months trying to find reasons not to give up on the world, the way so many folks around me were… šŸ™

I’ve never been like that before in my life. No matter what hardship I’ve dealt with previously, I always found a way to pick myself up and keep going. Last year, though, I felt truly defeated for the first time. I sincerely felt like nothing (NOTHING!!) mattered, and had zero will to go on. I isolated myself from almost everyone I knew (even online buds), and spent the vast majority of my time sleeping/crying/stoned off my ass to try to lessen the crippling pain I was constantly feeling.

Cut to 2018, though…I decided that enough was enough. You either get busy living or get busy dying (to quote another Stephen King semi-masterpiece ;)), and there was some (very minuscule) part of me that wasn’t ready to actually follow through with the dying part. (I read some of my friends’ autopsy reports…They haunted my brain and made the idea of suicide seem waaaaaay too real and waaaaaaay too final.) Little by little, I’ve found reasons to keep going. (New Rick and Morty eps? Bill and Ted’s 3?? Right there are 2 big ol’ reasons to persevere through the worst of times! ;))

I started forcing myself out of my silence/isolation cocoon in January, with miXXXed results. Some days are better than others, and often I know I look like a complete weirdo (more so than usual) to “normies” who don’t understand the traumatic shit/mental blocks I’m trying so hard to work past. But I know, and even when my attempts at regaining my social sanity aren’t super successful, each time IĀ  do something outside of my comfort zone is a victory. I’m often in sitches where I’m quite visibly feeling awkward, unsure, embarrassed, sad, self-defeated, etc…yet, I go on. Because we are here, and no matter how much we hurt on any given day there is ALWAYS goodness to be found. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself for every perceived “mistake” I make, to not care so much when the world is senselessly cruel, and to truly appreciate each act of beauty and kindness I see around me. No matter how tough shit gets, I know I will NOT allow the Swamp of Sadness to pull me in like that ever again…Like the wise Atreyu says, “You have to try! You have to care!! ARTAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!”

The point of sharing all this is to let those whom it may concern know that I’m “back”, I suppose. Back to being my goofy nerdy “let’s all have kickass nekkid fun together” self, and back to caring about the little things that mattered to me in The Before Times, before I lost my way in the Swamp of Sadness. I have new goals/priorities, and I am ecstatic that I once again feel up to sharing them. Ho-pefully some of my old ho-mies are still around and we can start adventuring awkwardly through the world together again, Super Friends Style! šŸ™‚

Love you all, sincerely. I WILL be updating this site regularly again, so please feel free to stop by and check in any time you need a friend (or want to see bewbage or whatever… #nojudgements! ;)) So much hugs, love, and happiness to all! šŸ™‚ xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(This pic reps the way I eXXXisted for roughly 9 months of the past year. I vow that any new photos I share will look far less downtrodden… ;))

Also, here’s a few samples of a lil’ thingy I’ve been working on to help me get used to speaking to people again. (I ain’t lyin’ when I said I was completely isolated…I didn’t use my speaking voice unless I absolutely had to for MONTHS…It’s scary AF to start talking again after that, but Geek Tawk is slowly helping me find my way again. If you care to give ’em a listen, the first one kinda reps all that I’ve been saying here, and the latest, Joe Bob Briggs-tastic one reps me pushing myself to speak to folks that intimidate the shizzle outta me, even if I come across as a spaz…Enjoy? I promise you there will be much more of these to cum!! šŸ˜‰ xoxo)

Posted by Diana Prince 2 Comments
  • Jason Ramboz

    *big big hugs* I’m glad you’re still here. Always.

  • You can’t go anywhere. The universe is not finished with you yet. I’m certainly not finished with you. When I take over the world I’ll need someone I trust to be Queen of Australia. I’ve not quite decided how I’m going to get it done but it will end with people kneeling before me.

    There are far more Soundcloud shenanigans to be had. People to meet and interview on your bed while watching a horror marathon should become the new format of your podcast.

    You’re going to wake up and you wont feel at all awesome and that’s fine and then it’ll happen again and that’ll still be fine but then one day you’ll wake up and you’ll feel ok and that’s a good starting point.